Reflection

“Don’t let your mind bully your body.”

-June Tomaso Wood

I stand in front of the mirror, praying that today will be the day that something gives.  The day that when I glance in the mirror, I will see an image that makes me feel something other than guilt or overwhelming disgust. Not today.   I am greeted with that familiar reflection that I’ve grown to despise over the course of my nineteen years on this earth. Crooked teeth and an overweight body staring back at me.   I don’t want to look anymore, but I can’t seem to tear my eyes away. It almost feels like a punishment of sorts, forcing myself to look into the mirror. I can’t help but wonder how I let myself get to this point. Each and every flaw is found by my eyes straight away.  There seems to be more flaws with each passing day. I throw on a few clothes that fit me once upon a time. They’re tight and uncomfortable, I can feel my frustration growing. Another oversized hoodie day, anything to hide the body I’ve grown to loathe. Going out in public has become a difficult task. I can feel their eyes on me, judging me. They must hate me just as much as I hate myself. How could anyone like this?  

I finally muster the energy toward self improvement.  Will I succeed this time or dive into a deeper pit of self hate?  I just want to feel better. I just want to feel good about who I am. I still find myself glaring at the mirror, almost afraid of what I’ll see. I can’t escape images of men with perfect bodies and shining smiles. A men’s fitness magazine sitting on the shelf  almost feels as if it taunting me. I feel as if I’ll never have that, it will never be me. 

The mental health foundation says “ ‘Body image’ is a term that can be used to describe how we think and feel about our bodies. Our thoughts and feelings about our bodies can impact us throughout our lives, affecting, more generally, the way we feel about ourselves and our mental health and well being.” It’s important to note that body image and self-esteem start in the mind, not the mirror. We’ve convinced  ourselves that unrealistic goals, ones that we can never meet, are truth. Our bodies may never look like those in the movies or media, yet we punish ourselves with negative self talk and false perceptions. These eventually manifest themselves into realities. Negative self image can harm your self-esteem and send you into a downward spiral of depression. We may never look like Chris Hemsworth or Scarlett Johansson.  Maybe you’ll never have the perfect waist or get rid of that bit of fat around your belly. That’s okay. All of us are made up of different characteristics and body types. These differences are what make us our own people. The simple fact is there isn’t a single person that looks just like you; that’s a beautiful thing. A negative body image is hard to combat. The battle may snowball when paired with depression or anxiety.   A vicious cycle. In all reality, what we see as blemishes, others see as the very things that make us special. Your crooked smile may very well brighten up another’s entire day.

I am thrilled to report that I have found a little love for myself.  My trips to the gym and changes to my diet not only led to a 60 pound weight loss, but I truly feel good.  Physically and emotionally good. I have learned to rephrase negative thoughts into positive ones. Which helped me get out of the rut and make these changes to my lifestyle. It was when I beat the battle of my own mind that caused me to love myself.  And that crooked little smile. I finally am able to look at my reflection and love what I see.