Depression lies, it tells you that you’ve always felt this way and you always will, but you haven’t and you won’t.
-Ryan Skinner
It’s three in the morning. The world is quiet yet my mind is racing. I found myself in this same sleepless dance every night. I made it through another day and agonize over the next one coming. I keep myself awake into the early morning out of fear and anxiety of facing tomorrow. I’ll do anything to keep myself awake. Watch videos on the internet or wander aimlessly around the house; anything to keep the world around me quiet. Eventually, I find my eyes fluttering closed. An hour or two of blessed peace. The alarm is shrill and yanked me out of my slumber. I know that I need to get up and go to work, but I simply can’t pull myself out of bed. My body feels as if it’s made of lead. My mind is just as heavy. Once again my eyes begin to close. I’m in an endless loop trying to avoid the inevitable. Finally, I force myself to clamor out of bed and start another dreaded day. I reluctantly take a shower, brush my hair, and pull on the least dirty clothes from my pile. The mirror catches my gaze. That sad, empty gaze. I force a smile. That same plastic smile that I’ve mastered over the past few years. I’m determined to wear it all day despite my inner turmoil. Each and every passerby is greeted with a wide smile, a laugh, and maybe even a joke. The mask does not fill the empty detachment. Anything, literally anything would be better than the agony of my own mind. It’s a creeping pain that gnaws, fumbles, and caresses your soul, but never hurts quite enough. I find myself searching for any sort of feeling, whether it is happy or sad. I just want to feel again. I’ve grown accustomed to wearing this mask, putting up a front and not dare let anyone peek behind the curtain. They’ll never know how little sleep I got last night. They’ll never know that I spend each and every moment tortured by my own mind.
The Mayo Clinic describes depression as “a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.” We’re taught from a young age that feeling sadness or worrying about one’s own wellbeing is a sign of weakness, but that is far from the truth. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that a suicide occurs every forty seconds. It is usually a result of depression, a silent killer.
From a young age we are taught that we need to control our emotions. Controlling depression cannot be compared to controlling emotions, yet this is a frequent misconception. Depression is actually a chemical imbalance that cannot be controlled by the same tactics we use to control our emotions. Depression has the stigma of bad habit or behavior that one should be able to control. It is actually an illness. It can be compared to diabetes. Diabetes may be under better control with exercise and proper diet, but certain types of diabetes requires insulin injections in order to sustain life. Depression may improve with positive self talk, exercise, and a healthy diet. Despite all the attempts at overcoming depression, the chemical imbalance remains and professional help or medications are often required for true healing. Depression lies. It tells you that you’ve always felt this way and you always will. Don’t fall prey to this ongoing lie.
Mind Talk 