You Are Not Alone

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Depression lies, it tells you that you’ve always felt this way and you always will, but you haven’t and you won’t. 

-Ryan Skinner

It’s three in the morning.  The world is quiet yet my mind is racing.  I found myself in this same sleepless dance every night.  I made it through another day and agonize over the next one coming.  I keep myself awake into the early morning out of fear and anxiety of facing tomorrow.  I’ll do anything to keep myself awake. Watch videos on the internet or wander aimlessly around the house; anything to keep the world around me quiet. Eventually, I find my eyes fluttering closed.  An hour or two of blessed peace. The alarm is shrill and yanked me out of my slumber. I know that I need to get up and go to work, but I simply can’t pull myself out of bed. My body feels as if it’s made of lead.  My mind is just as heavy. Once again my eyes begin to close. I’m in an endless loop trying to avoid the inevitable. Finally, I force myself to clamor out of bed and start another dreaded day. I reluctantly take a shower, brush my hair, and pull on the least dirty clothes from my pile. The mirror catches my gaze.  That sad, empty gaze. I force a smile. That same plastic smile that I’ve mastered over the past few years. I’m determined to wear it all day despite my inner turmoil. Each and every passerby is greeted with a wide smile, a laugh, and maybe even a joke. The mask does not fill the empty detachment. Anything, literally anything would be better than the agony of my own mind.  It’s a creeping pain that gnaws, fumbles, and caresses your soul, but never hurts quite enough. I find myself searching for any sort of feeling, whether it is happy or sad. I just want to feel again. I’ve grown accustomed to wearing this mask, putting up a front and not dare let anyone peek behind the curtain. They’ll never know how little sleep I got last night. They’ll never know that I spend each and every moment tortured by my own mind. 

The Mayo Clinic describes depression as “a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.” We’re taught from a young age that feeling sadness or worrying about one’s own wellbeing is a sign of weakness, but that is far from the truth. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that a suicide occurs every forty seconds.  It is usually a result of depression, a silent killer. 

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From a young age we are taught that we need to control our emotions. Controlling depression cannot be compared to controlling emotions, yet this is a frequent misconception.  Depression is actually a chemical imbalance that cannot be controlled by the same tactics we use to control our emotions. Depression has the stigma of bad habit or behavior that one should be able to control. It is actually an illness.  It can be compared to diabetes. Diabetes may be under better control with exercise and proper diet, but certain types of diabetes requires insulin injections in order to sustain life. Depression may improve with positive self talk, exercise, and a healthy diet.  Despite all the attempts at overcoming depression, the chemical imbalance remains and professional help or medications are often required for true healing.  Depression lies. It tells you that you’ve always felt this way and you always will.  Don’t fall prey to this ongoing lie.  

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Eating disorders are like a gun that’s formed by genetics, loaded by a culture and family ideals, and triggered by unbearable distress. 

–Aimee Liu

My stomach begins to rumble, that low hum that I’ve become all too accustomed to. With my roaring belly comes that familiar pain.  I can’t remember the last time I had an actual meal and I prefer to keep it that way. There’s a fear in the back of my mind that I may put on a significant amount of weight no matter what I eat; an irrational fear. The pain in my stomach shakes me to my very core, it begins to swell, very nearly causing me to double over. All of this to save me from putting on a few pounds. It began when I was younger, a husky child that ate too much, ran too little and I was content. I recall the names I had been called as a child, fatty, cow and the like, I never, ever want to feel like that again. That feeling of helplessness.  I couldn’t argue with them. After all, I was each and every thing that they called me. Their insults and jeers came from a place of truth, however hurtful they may have been. As I got older the insults would grow worse, more creative. Still I remained silent. As a young adult, I found the gym. I started lifting weights and eating fewer calories. I began to like what I saw in the mirror. I told myself that no matter what, I would never go back. I would never put myself in a place where I would be the recipient of the relentless name calling. I’d be better than all of that. This healthy change soon morphed into something more sinister, an obsession. A missed gym session would be punished by a day without food.  A bad gym session would result in less food than I knew was necessary for survival. Soon abstaining from overeating turned into denial from any sort of food at all, lest I return to who I once was. 

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An eating disorder is typically defined as “a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits (such as anorexia nervosa).” Much like depression, an eating disorder is hard to combat alone, even harder still if you refuse to admit that you have a problem. Some fight weight gain by regurgitating the food they’ve consumed.  Others use laxatives or diet pills. A person with an eating disorder is not always emaciated or underweight. Often, they simply suffer from an irrational fear. Compulsive eating is a less frequently recognized eating disorder. Most of these disorders can be connected to emotional trauma or stress. My trauma was the voice in my head that repeated every insulting name that I had been called.

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Like countless other mental health issues, eating disorders can be overcome with the help of others. Pick up the phone and speak with someone, don’t suffer through it alone.  It isn’t necessary. An eating disorder is a fight with oneself and nobody knows how to counter you as well as you do. I recommend seeing a counselor, a dietitian, any sort of professional that may be able to help you with the battle that you’re in. I was able to realize my problem with the help of friends and family. I was guided through more healthy ways to reach my goals.  Starving myself was not an appropriate option. It’s my will power and support of others that helped me overcome the mindset of my disorder. You are not alone. You too can overcome.

“Don’t let your mind bully your body.”

-June Tomaso Wood

I stand in front of the mirror, praying that today will be the day that something gives.  The day that when I glance in the mirror, I will see an image that makes me feel something other than guilt or overwhelming disgust. Not today.   I am greeted with that familiar reflection that I’ve grown to despise over the course of my nineteen years on this earth. Crooked teeth and an overweight body staring back at me.   I don’t want to look anymore, but I can’t seem to tear my eyes away. It almost feels like a punishment of sorts, forcing myself to look into the mirror. I can’t help but wonder how I let myself get to this point. Each and every flaw is found by my eyes straight away.  There seems to be more flaws with each passing day. I throw on a few clothes that fit me once upon a time. They’re tight and uncomfortable, I can feel my frustration growing. Another oversized hoodie day, anything to hide the body I’ve grown to loathe. Going out in public has become a difficult task. I can feel their eyes on me, judging me. They must hate me just as much as I hate myself. How could anyone like this?  

I finally muster the energy toward self improvement.  Will I succeed this time or dive into a deeper pit of self hate?  I just want to feel better. I just want to feel good about who I am. I still find myself glaring at the mirror, almost afraid of what I’ll see. I can’t escape images of men with perfect bodies and shining smiles. A men’s fitness magazine sitting on the shelf  almost feels as if it taunting me. I feel as if I’ll never have that, it will never be me. 

The mental health foundation says “ ‘Body image’ is a term that can be used to describe how we think and feel about our bodies. Our thoughts and feelings about our bodies can impact us throughout our lives, affecting, more generally, the way we feel about ourselves and our mental health and well being.” It’s important to note that body image and self-esteem start in the mind, not the mirror. We’ve convinced  ourselves that unrealistic goals, ones that we can never meet, are truth. Our bodies may never look like those in the movies or media, yet we punish ourselves with negative self talk and false perceptions. These eventually manifest themselves into realities. Negative self image can harm your self-esteem and send you into a downward spiral of depression. We may never look like Chris Hemsworth or Scarlett Johansson.  Maybe you’ll never have the perfect waist or get rid of that bit of fat around your belly. That’s okay. All of us are made up of different characteristics and body types. These differences are what make us our own people. The simple fact is there isn’t a single person that looks just like you; that’s a beautiful thing. A negative body image is hard to combat. The battle may snowball when paired with depression or anxiety.   A vicious cycle. In all reality, what we see as blemishes, others see as the very things that make us special. Your crooked smile may very well brighten up another’s entire day.

I am thrilled to report that I have found a little love for myself.  My trips to the gym and changes to my diet not only led to a 60 pound weight loss, but I truly feel good.  Physically and emotionally good. I have learned to rephrase negative thoughts into positive ones. Which helped me get out of the rut and make these changes to my lifestyle. It was when I beat the battle of my own mind that caused me to love myself.  And that crooked little smile. I finally am able to look at my reflection and love what I see. 

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“The truth is that there is no actual stress or anxiety in the world; it’s your thoughts that create these false beliefs. You can’t package stress, touch it, or see it. There are only people engaged in stressful thinking.”

-Wayne Dyer

The store is crowded, I can hardly see the aisles beyond each person that walks past me. Black Friday swarmed in like a million hostile enemies devouring every associate in the store.  My chest slowly begins to tighten, a crescendo of anxiety hits me and all at once I can feel it, the beginnings of an anxiety attack. My hands begin to tremble, fingers gripping the cart harder and harder with each passing moment. I’m sweating and I don’t quite understand why.  My mind is a mess of thoughts that I cannot even begin to make sense of. All of this culminates in me leaving my empty cart dead in the middle of store.  My legs can’t take me fast enough to the bathroom, somewhere less crowded, in search of a bit of solace. I lock the stall door, eyes fluttering shut as I struggle to steady my breathing. I could feel the gaze of every person I walked past, their eyes like drills burrowing into my person. Perhaps they were watching me, perhaps it was all in my head.  I’ll never know. After a few moments, I find that I have gathered myself, able to go out and face the swarm once more. All on account of things that had more than likely been created in my own mind. This is anxiety, a painful and often crippling problem. 

The American Psychological Association describes anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes”.  It is a natural response to stress that can cause you to be nervous and fearful of the unknown. At times anxiety can feel insurmountable, like a fight that can never be won.  The Mayo Clinic explains that “intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations” is not a normal amount of anxiety, but is actually considered an anxiety disorder which may surface as an anxiety attack.  Anxiety can be triggered by many things.  Each individual has their own arch enemy, or trigger.  It could be anything from the fear of a small dog to speaking in public.  For me, it was an unending sea of intense shoppers.  I was there.

Some people with excessive anxiety or an anxiety disorder tend to imprison themselves in attempt to avoid their kryptonite.   There are many ways to help overcome anxiety so you can have a happy, peaceful existence. The most obvious, yet frequently avoided, way of combatting anxiety is seeking professional help such as a doctor or a counselor.  I can hear my fellow college students now, “who has time or money for that?”  One great benefit of being a student at Amarillo College is the availability of tons of resources, including counseling.  This may be a small stepping stone to finding your niche in the fight against anxiety. Others seeking alternative solutions may find relief through yoga, listening to music, or just writing your thoughts down. There are endless activities that can help decrease your worries and stress. Getting a good pump going from lifting weights, pounding the treadmill with my beats, and then melting in the hot tub always do the trick for me. This was not just an overnight achievement.   I had to dig myself out of my rut and face my problems. The counsel of friends and family along with the determination to get better, I overcame the anxiety beast.  I’m not going to lie.  It stirs it’s ugly face on occasion.  During those intense moments, I use deep breathing and positive self talk to avoid the stifling paralysis.  My challenge to you, find the remedy that works for you.  Recognize that you are more than the anxiety.  You can overcome!

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

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